The book WHALE DONE! The Power of Positive
Relationships (which I've had the privilege of writing
with Ken Blanchard, Chuck Tompkins and Thad
Lacinek) tells the story of how a man who isn't getting
along with others at work and at home learns from
a bunch of killer whales how to transform these
relationships by using a single strategy:
CATCHING PEOPLE DOING THINGS RIGHT
Most people agree that the habit of being critical of
others, picking at their faults, mentally sitting in
judgment on them, is not a helpful thing to do. Seldom,
though, do we think of that habit as an affliction. It is,
though. A terrible one. I learned this one morning years
ago when I was having breakfast in my favorite coffee
shop, happily reading a book, when a man and a young
boy sat down at the next table.
Right away I found myself tuning in, for the father
was bullying and berating his son for one thing and
another. He was really letting him have it. As this
parental harangue proceeded, I grew more and more
indignant. I felt like shouting, "You jerk! Can't you
leave the kid alone? How do you expect him to do
right when you're so busy chewing him out?"
Suddenly I stopped and mentally stepped away
from the situation. In a BFO (Blinding Flash of the
Obvious) I saw that I was behaving in exactly the
same way as the dad. Not only that, I had completely
destroyed the good time I'd been having! That's when
I found out that . . .
CRITICIZING HURTS !
What if there were a pair of glasses you could put on
that would filter out everything you could find fault
with! Think what a blessing it would be to go through
even a single day completely blind to people's faults.
Freed from every hint of criticism, no longer tied up
in little annoyances and grievances, your mind would
be calm, your attention focused on all that is right with
the world. Even while you were busy, you'd be totally
enjoying and appreciating everything and everyone
around you. Your conversations would be full of
admiration and praise of others. Plus, your sunny
disposition would be so alluring to others, everyone
would want to bask in it!
SO, MEANWHILE, WHILE THEY'RE INVENTING
THOSE GLASSES . . .
I'm not waiting around. I'm starting a support group
for those of us suffering from the terrible Gotcha
addiction (catching people doing things wrong). I'll
call it JA-- Judg-a-holics Anonymous. In our workshops,
seasoned trainers (former judg-a-holics themselves)
will teach us that there is a way out! No longer need
we be defenseless against our own minds. Our new
self-help weapon will be . . . Catching People Doing
Things Right.
You're familiar, I'm sure, with the old saying that
"those who can't, teach?" Several years ago I was
conducting a seminar for a group of managers, and
presenting the need to catch employees doing things
right. In an effort to lay out the steps of how to go
about it, I was listing on a flipchart:
1. Show up. Be there to notice people's
positive behavior as soon as it occurs.
2. Ignore the negative. As much as possible,
overlook what the person may do wrong.
3. Provide immediate feedback. Be specific
about the desirable behavior you noted,
and its positive impact.
4. Share your feelings. Express warmth
and appreciation. Encourage the person to
continue his/her good performance.
I thought I was finished, and just then a guy said,
"There's one more step you left out."
"What's that?" I queried.
"Number Zero: Look for what they do right," he said.
"If you're not watching for the positive stuff, you'll
miss it."
Another BFO for me! Of course, the most important
step of all is being on the lookout to begin with, for
what people do right. If my attention gravitates to the
negative, I overlook all the things people do right.
Maybe it's because we think that as coaches, teachers,
parents or bosses, an important part of our job is to
troubleshoot and make corrections. There's only two
things wrong with that.
1. People tend to do more of
what they get noticed for.
2. After a while that's
all we see.
So the rule is, actively seek out what there is about
the people around you that is good and admirable
and right.
LETTING OURSELVES OFF THE HOOK
Nowhere is this principle of changing what we are
looking for more important than in our single most
important relationship in the world--the one we have
with ourselves. Most of us, often without realizing it,
are on our own cases. The inward voice scolds: Look
what you did! That was so stupid! Can't you do better?
Especially with hard-charging achievers, this inner
harangue can go on virtually all day. If you tend to
be judgeful, you're probably your own worst critic.
So let's you and me practice.
• Watch yourself in a new way.
Look for the things you do right. Bring to your own
attention what's acceptable, even admirable. Each
night before you go to sleep recall the things you did
that were okay. Assume they're there; look for them;
find them; celebrate them. And don't worry about
confusing this with having a big head. (Modest people
don't think less of themselves, they just think of
themselves less.)
• Don't wait until you do something perfectly right.
Especially if you're working in an unfamiliar situation
(like, say, the modern world), these "right" behaviors
could be approximately right. Improvement is what to
notice. Never punish a learner.
• Ignore what you used to beat yourself up about.
Learn from you misteaks, and then let them go. Just
redirect the energy of that old beat-myself-up reaction
onto something constructive that's right there in front
of you to be done. As soon as you do it, put your right
hand on your left shoulder, put your left hand on your
right shoulder, and give yourself a hug.
• Allow yourself to feel and enjoy.
Relish the good feelings, the pride and encouragement
that comes from this active program of self-support.
There's plenty of research to show that people who
feel better about themselves do better work. And when
they do better work, they feel even better about
themselves. Starting a Positive Self-Noticing program,
we can expect to improve our performance.
A little self-praise never hurt anybody. After all, if you
don't toot your own horn, somebody's liable to use it
for a spitoon.
Whale Done, everybody!
Jim Ballard
