Mine Alone to Do

The prayer of the Life-Crafter

Help me to do only that which is mine.
Help me to seek until I find that which I alone was fashioned to do.
Let me not wander in the wilderness of others’ pursuits,
Wondering if I am to do what they do and seek what they seek.
Let me answer solely to that calling for which I was made,
That legacy which I alone can leave to this world.

May I, having determined to find my destiny, seek it unrelentingly.
Entering gladly the solitude in which alone it can be heard,
May I linger long in that silence, shutting out all else,
Until the treasured whispers of that sound come to me.
May I listen again and again until I hear that Voice within me.
Calling to my heart to do what waits to be done.

And once having heard and made it my sacred study,
Having determined that this and only this is my task,
Let me set myself to accomplish it fully, straying not from the path,
Heeding not the allurements of others’ success,
The trappings of convention, or what is newly fashionable.
My gaze ever unwinking on that which I have come to do.

This shall be my passion, my only goal in life and work:
To serve that end for which each part of me is fitted,
To bring into the world that which only I can create.
And when my life is at an end, and I look back
To see what was wrought by That which in me worked,
Emptied of toil, I’ll know the meaning of fulfillment.

-- Jim Ballard


Finally, this is better, that one do
His own task as he may, even though he fail,
Than take tasks not his own though they
seem good.
To die performing duty is no ill;
But who seeks other roads shall wander still.

-- The Song Celestial, Bhagavad Gita

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Working in the “Calmly Active, Actively Calm” State

Today's working people are faced with a two-fold challenge: doing more in less time, while handling unexpected occurrences along the way. An apt metaphor for this kind of activity is the whitewater kayaker. Several paddling principles can well be adapted into our work and family lives.

1. Don’t push the river.
   
   The whitewater kayaker is not paddling to get anywhere; she lets the river take care of that. Let your day carry you along, realizing it has its own pace and agenda. Just paddle to stay afloat, and avoid obstructions.


2. Give up control and gain power.
   
   The world-class paddler has scouted the rapids, so she has an idea of the terrain, but once in the water no energy is wasted trying to control the flow. No paddling to go faster; rather a series of relaxed strategic dipping responses that keep the boat upright and pointed downstream.


3. Stay Audible-Ready.
   
   Holding to the planned route is not the point -- the river (i.e., your action plan) will take care of that; the process of maintaining balance and direction of one's boat are what occupy the mind. Being ready to change is part of living in a world of change. In football they call it being "audible ready." When the team comes out of the huddle with a certain play in mind, in lining up the quarterback might see that the play won't work because the opposing team has shifted. As he barks out the signals he calls a new play. Every player on the team is able to shift automatically to what that play calls for him to do.


4. Redefine the goal.
   
   Redefine achievement as conformance of actions to personal values, rather than by what gets done. Values (such as excellence or customer service or integrity) help in choosing what's important over what's merely urgent. When outward conditions shift, values anchors still hold.


5. Detach, and enjoy the journey.
   
   The work gets done, but the journey is what’s important. Satisfaction comes from being part of something that is happening fast, pitting one's skills and energies against the challenge of the current itself through moment-to-moment cooperation with it.

Many people are fighting their way down the river of their work day or week; consequently they're beat up by the journey. They react by paddling more furiously, trying for control at times when they haven't any.

It is this reacting mode, not the outward pace and circumstances, that stresses them. Instead of the mind being in the present moment, with what they are doing, it leaves and goes to the past (regrets) or to the future (worries and fears). Focus is lost, the mind is confused, darting about.

While in this reacting mode, the mind is incapable of truly creating, solving, managing appropriately or responding elegantly. When a change hits that throws the plan out of kilter, the person trying to hold onto the way things were feels victimized.

Change the way you look at things. You're making it all up anyway, by picking out what to notice; might as well like what you see. Reframing (shifting what you’re seeing with) is the new mind-elegance tool. By using the tool, you’re not thrown when you encounter unexpected river conditions. In the midst of the battle, it's useful to reconceptualize change and your role in it , as in:

• This change is just what is happening. I can calmly respond to the new situation by letting go of expectations. When I don't hold on to the way it was, and open my mind to the way it is, it's more fun.


• My moment is now. Right here is where all my experience is, all my power to make things happen, not some past or future time. Let me do the right thing NOW.


• My new role is change manager. That means paying attention in a new way, handling my own inner states in appropriate response to outer changes.


• I used to be in control; now I'm in power.

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Keeping Your I-Like-You’s Up to Date

Given the turbulence we live in (“What turbulence?” people might ask, the way a fish might say, “What water?”), it’s very easy to let things go on the relationship side. As in every other area — health, money, possessions — we tend to pay attention only when there’s a flashing light somewhere — a pain or breakdown or other crisis. But relationships are like plants that need watering. And the person who acts as a constant gardener in this area attracts a lot of good stuff.

Keeping your I-like-you’s up to date isn’t that hard; it just needs attention and maintenance, like your checkbook balance, your computer, and your car. Once you start, the habit feeds itself on good feelings and satisfaction. Once you begin to systematically take bits of time-out to appreciate people, it should shortly become addictive.


Here are some key points about doing it.

Think small scale
Most of us are not world-changers, but we can go about making a difference in other lives in small bits and pieces by regularly reaching out to acknowledge that people are important to us. Don’t take a long time to compose a message (if you do, you’ll drop this practice in a hurry, for it will consume too much of your time). Each should be short, sincere, and to the point.

Think long-term
Keeping up to date on your I-like-you’s is a habit you want to cultivate and manage throughout your life. The payoffs for you are enormous, and mostly unanticipated. Say your message to someone is “Sorry I got busy and didn’t meet up with you at the gathering last night.” One comes right back: “I can’t believe you took the time to apologize. It was so un-needed — and yet so glorious to get that from you. Thanks!”

Especially your I-love-you’s
A subset of the broad category of I-like-you’s are I-love-you’s for the people — spouses, family members, best friends — that we care most about. And that means we tend to ignore them — they’re around a lot, they’re in our minds a lot, they know we have affection for them, so why should we tell them about it? Simply because we neglect it. It’s the old deathbed regret: “I wish I’d told so-and-so I loved them.”

Personalize
An I-like-you scores zero when it’s like one of those letters you get in the mail that begin: “We’re sending you this because you are a cherished customer…” and you haven’t done business with them in years. Your message should be tailored to (a) the recipient’s likes and dislikes, personality, and needs, (b) your relationship with the person, and (c) what’s going on at the time. The receiver of your I-like-you should value the transmission, feeling, “Wow, this is just for me!”

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Dreamrunning

Are you running? Most of us are -- running through the days of our lives. Trying to catch up. Trying to stay ahead of the freight train of change and additional concerns and responsibilities that seems to be bearing down on us from behind.

The state of mind we get into when we rush is similar to that of the jogger or distance runner. How much farther to go? I don't know whether I can make it! When will this be over? Years ago I made up a series of mind games to keep from getting bored and stressed during long runs. To keep myself entertained I constructed a series of temporary alternate reality states or dreams. I found that practicing these mind games took away the stress of running and left my mind and body refreshed and harmonized. In a book I wrote about the subject titled What’s the Rush? I called the practice "dreamrunning," and the 30 or so mental constructions which I came up with I called "recipes for the sole."

The three recipes I include below give an idea of how to change running into the experience of “being run ”— that is, the sensation that you’re not the one doing the running but rather the activity is being done through you. You are the vessel, the instrument, but the effort is not yours, so the activity becomes “effortless.”

BreathPull Imagine that it's not your will or muscles, but your inhaling that is pulling you forward.

TowRope Pretend there is an invisible rope attached to your chest, that is gently pulling you forward.

Giant Hand Imagine a giant hand resting against your back, gently pushing you along.

Once you understand the principle of “being run” behind these mind-games, you can use it in other forms of recipes than running — i.e., biking, swimming, walking. You can also make up your own recipes. (Other good ones are Treadmill, where you imagine that the ground is moving under you, and you are running in place, and Frames, where you’re in a movie, and moving through each successive frame of movie film.)

In fact, you don’t have to be exercising to use the notion of "being run" to take the stress out of whatever you’re doing. In the very midst of all the hurry and change involved in working and living, it’s possible to practice a version of the recipes to achieve and maintain a balance between control and surrender, between "making things happen" and "letting things happen." You can become a dreamrunner at spots in a busy day. This mental shift can carry over into the day and leave you feeling supported and energized, calm amidst the storm.

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Most Important Thing

For those of us who are old enough to recall a time when the world wasn’t moving so fast, the speed-up of change can resemble a tsunami that’s rolled over us, tearing our little boats away from their moorings. Afloat in unknown waters, without the familiar landmarks and home ports, we can truly feel adrift and rudderless. If we do set a course, seems we’re at the mercy of any storm that comes up.


Navigating to achieve success with our goals is less like motoring (where you head your boat for a destination and get there in a straight line) and more like sailing, where you must go indirectly, more or less dependent on the way the breeze is blowing at any one time. Sailing requires skill in reading the wind, changing directions by shifting sails and rudder. It’s a matter of balancing control and surrender -- cooperating with, rather than doing battle with, the sudden shifts of fortune. The smart ones among us, when finding themselves out of their depth like this, turn within and develop “in-here” anchors that can give us the stability we used to find by looking “out-there.”

The main thing, of course, is to know where you’re going, and that’s much harder to handle these days if your attention is fixed “out-there”, outside your skin. But again, an inward focus on those inner unchangeables—values, purpose, integrity—can bring you through any storm.

The most important thing in life, after all, is what it always was: to know what the most important thing in life is.

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Kinder than Necessary

I came across a quote that woke me up. In fact, each time I read it or remember it, it has the same effect. So I copied it out and taped it on my bathroom mirror so I'll come across it at the start of each day. It says:

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone
you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

What makes the quote self-evident is my own battle. I know I'm fighting mine, but I don't give a thought, most times, to the fact that you are fighting yours. If I stopped and thought about it, I could wonder: What hopes drive you? What fears hold you back? etc. And by being "kinder than necessary" I may not come to know the answers, but perhaps I can provide some compensation, a bit of r&r from your battle fatigue.We see only evidences of people — their dress, their talk, their actions — and we think we know them. In reality, we are forming judgments on the basis of surface appearances. Outward actions are important, but they are really expressions of what is on the inside.


The human ego tends to carry its own self-imposed burden of infallibility. As soon as the mind thinks a thought, it stamps it with the seal of approval — "This must be true, because I thought of it." To counteract this presumption, we need to be self-questioning. In my own case, I've started this new habit because of the many times I've formed a pre-conception of some person — "She's that way," or "He must be such a ... " only to find out by getting past the snap judgment through further exposure that I was dead wrong. A friend of mine has given me a tool for this, which I try to use now whenever I see my mind thinking something is true that, on closer examination, is seen to be only an assumption. I call it Michael's Mantra, and it goes this way: "I have no clue."

Back to our kindness quote. Why the phrase "kinder than necessary?" In thinking about those who live outside our own skin, it's a safe bet that:

1. For each person out there, some sort of battle is going on.
   
2. Theirs is just as private and hidden as our own.
   
3. An act of "random kindness" could make a difference, if only by easing their way.

Kindness seems to be one of those qualities of which there's not enough to go around, yet a little goes a long way. Another quote I like, which I found posted on the wall next to the elevator in a Catholic retreat center I visited, is from a rabbi whose name I forget:

"When I was young I admired people who were clever.
Now that I'm older I admire people who are kind."

Finally, those lines from the old Bee Gees song “Too Much Heaven”:

"Nobody has too much heaven any more,
It's much harder to come by, I'm waiting in line."

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What’s Your Dream?

Over the years I’ve asked the question “What’s your dream?” to hundreds of people—friends, new acquaintances, seat-mates on planes, waitresses, cab-drivers. Two things I’ve noticed in the process:

1. They always tell.
2. Their eyes go up and to my left.

Occasionally someone will rattle off her/his aspirations right away, but that’s rare. Most hem and haw a bit before they get into it. Others seem to be making it up on the spot. I think the question gets anyone thinking.

Asking people about their dreams makes them into storytellers. I’m always careful to listen carefully and show respect and belief in these stories. I encourage them, and many have said that telling their dream makes it seem realer and more possible of fulfillment. Plus, I often share an idea or refer the dream-teller to a book, article or person that might further their aspiration.

A second question I often ask, if it’s appropriate, is. “What have you done or are you doing to make that dream happen?” This is not to put people on the spot, but I’ve got a coach’s mentality so I enjoy giving anybody a little "cosmic goose" along the way.

I’ve also used the question as a training exercise, having people get together in pairs and take turns asking and answering the question. Some interesting things have come out of that. Some have had their work teams and families share dreams. One man reported that he’d gone home, told his wife his dream, and asked her about hers. “Neither of us knew the other’s dream,” he said. “Now we can support each other in making our dreams come true.”

So, asking people -- even those you know well -- about their dreams can be revealing and rewarding. Why not give it a try?

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Happiness Machines

We are all, each one of us, in the happiness business. Happiness is not something that comes and goes, depending on what’s happening. It is what we are. We are made of it. And not just happiness; we are boundless joy right down to our toes.

I know that sounds peculiar, given that, as we are reminded all the time, there is so much misery and suffering in the world. I’m not denying the unhappiness. I’m just saying it’s a cover-up of the real stuff. Joy is what we really are. It’s where we came from. It’s where we’re going. And in-between we forget. But joy is there all the time, as our true nature.

Take one of those times we would say we’re extraordinarily happy. We fall in love. We have a huge success. Someone gives us a million dollars. What do we do? We automatically look out there and say, “That’s what did it for me—that person, that win, that money.” But what if all the time that joy was there in us, just waiting to spring up? What if the experience we had was just a pickaxe that drove through the crust of our tedious self-denial, and released it.

See how mistaken we are? We’ve got it totally wrong. It’s like the professor who opened his psychology class by saying to the class, “Raise your hand if you’re deluded.” When no hands go up, he smacks his forehead and says, “Oh, that’s right! How would you know?” The truth? CSNY sang it, decades ago:

We are stardust. We are golden.
And we’ve go to get ourselves back to the Garden.

One evidence that joy is our nature’s home town is the ease and lightness that comes to us when we’re happy. There’s a flow to it. Stress is gone, effort is nil. We are lightened up. More and more studies show that the actual practice of joyfulness, laughter and gratitude strengthens the immune system and produces measurable improvement in our mental and physical health. All this should tell us that when we are in joy we’re aligning with the natural course of our being.

On the other hand, when we’re miserable there’s all kinds of effort to it. Every cell seems to cry out. It’s harder to just get up in the morning. However, far be it for me to stand in your way if you’re dead-set on being miserable. In fact, the following video is included to help you achieve misery more efficiently.

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