Keeping Your I-Like-You’s Up to Date

Given the turbulence we live in (“What turbulence?” people might ask, the way a fish might say, “What water?”), it’s very easy to let things go on the relationship side. As in every other area — health, money, possessions — we tend to pay attention only when there’s a flashing light somewhere — a pain or breakdown or other crisis. But relationships are like plants that need watering. And the person who acts as a constant gardener in this area attracts a lot of good stuff.

Keeping your I-like-you’s up to date isn’t that hard; it just needs attention and maintenance, like your checkbook balance, your computer, and your car. Once you start, the habit feeds itself on good feelings and satisfaction. Once you begin to systematically take bits of time-out to appreciate people, it should shortly become addictive.


Here are some key points about doing it.

Think small scale
Most of us are not world-changers, but we can go about making a difference in other lives in small bits and pieces by regularly reaching out to acknowledge that people are important to us. Don’t take a long time to compose a message (if you do, you’ll drop this practice in a hurry, for it will consume too much of your time). Each should be short, sincere, and to the point.

Think long-term
Keeping up to date on your I-like-you’s is a habit you want to cultivate and manage throughout your life. The payoffs for you are enormous, and mostly unanticipated. Say your message to someone is “Sorry I got busy and didn’t meet up with you at the gathering last night.” One comes right back: “I can’t believe you took the time to apologize. It was so un-needed — and yet so glorious to get that from you. Thanks!”

Especially your I-love-you’s
A subset of the broad category of I-like-you’s are I-love-you’s for the people — spouses, family members, best friends — that we care most about. And that means we tend to ignore them — they’re around a lot, they’re in our minds a lot, they know we have affection for them, so why should we tell them about it? Simply because we neglect it. It’s the old deathbed regret: “I wish I’d told so-and-so I loved them.”

Personalize
An I-like-you scores zero when it’s like one of those letters you get in the mail that begin: “We’re sending you this because you are a cherished customer…” and you haven’t done business with them in years. Your message should be tailored to (a) the recipient’s likes and dislikes, personality, and needs, (b) your relationship with the person, and (c) what’s going on at the time. The receiver of your I-like-you should value the transmission, feeling, “Wow, this is just for me!”

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